Officials: McMansions now open to public to solve workforce housing crisis

In a surprise move, all the municipalities, metro districts and the county government on Monday announced any non-primary residence within the county borders is now considered workforce or attainable long-term housing for full-time residents.

Homes will be listed and doled out in a complicated lottery system to allow workers to start moving into second, third and, in come cases, fourth homes by the end of ski season.

Asked if this would create issues with wealthy homeowners who have come to call the Vail Valley home for four to six weeks out of the year (if that), officials told Real Vail they really don’t care.

“It’s time to solve our housing crisis once and for all,” said an anonymous official speaking on the condition of trolling the hell out of the 1% of the 1%. “People should be able to warm themselves on those heated driveways and invite their buddies to live in those endless walk-in closets.”

One super-rich Texan told Real Vail, “That’s it. I’m done coming to this Blue State socialist hell hole and reading communist websites like yours. From now on I’m headed to Utah where they know how to run a religious autocracy … and they still have pretty good skiing … at least for now.”

That last statement seems to be a tacit recognition that giant SUVs with out-of-state plates and an endless stream of Gulfstream IVs will one day lead to a shrinkage of ski season to less than a month between mid December and mid January. The rest of the tourist season will be known as Mud then Wildfire then Desiccated Forest Season, when most of those McMansions will burn down anyway.

Officials said they’re considering at that point mandating that people will be allowed to live in any vehicle larger than the size of your average tiny house (so maybe leave those in Texas and Florida, along with your political beliefs, the official added, somewhat needlessly).

Editor’s note: Happy April Fool’s Day.